Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
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Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.