If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
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The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.