Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
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My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese