Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
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IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work