Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
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Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage