Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
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This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
(by @ZachWeiner )
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
It be like that sometimes 😆
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.