Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
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My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Breaking news:
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF