Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
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[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails