A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
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Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face