10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
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‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
All generalizations are stupid.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Baller is short for ballerina
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
#dnd #ttrpg
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/Expectation:
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/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.