Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
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As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost