@goldengateblond: Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn't seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
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@TragicAllyHere: Husband: *snoring* It's like he's trying to tell me something *snoring* What is it boy? *snoring intensifies* Timmy's stuck in a well?
@iamspacegirl: [answering door on halloween] NEIGHBORHOOD MOM: please stop giving the children hamsters ME *hands full of hamsters*: but it's Halloween
@iamporgy: Dad : son ,when I was your age I used to walk 6kms to school Son: oh now I get it Dad: get what? Son: why you didn't make it to university