@goldengateblond: Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn't seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
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@JaySuch: My son wanted to go to Disney, but I told him little boys who ruin marriages don't go to Disney.
@blaudiablogan: Sign at the gas station: "Bathroom is no longer available." I can't believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.
@truegritrumble: WIFE: Can you send these party invites out? ME: Sure *throws them out window* WIFE: Did you- ME: If they're meant to come, they'll come.
@MissBamantha: Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose? WRONG. Neither. Don't ever take my candy.