@UnicornSyrup: Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
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@hasht4g: I wonder how long it will be before "You look like a million bucks" is an insult. #inflation
@kuusela34: I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
@TheGladStork: When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.