Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
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[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I am HOWLING at this
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.