Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
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Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in