Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
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me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
This made me smile…
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history