@Douchekevin: Anyone who says 'they wish they could be a fly on the wall' has clearly never been attacked by a woman with a rolled up newspaper.
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@Sickayduh: My girlfriend has twin 3yo girls. They each have a sippy cup with their names on them. When she's not looking, I switch the cups.
@TheToddWilliams: [Thanksgiving dinner] WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp ME: Those are for tomorrow WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla- ME: Black Fry Day
@Tommytoughstuff: [I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it] "I'm sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?"