Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
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He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.