COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
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[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
back to work
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Google Pay be like:
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?