@YayForJam: Anyone who's voice doesn't jump a few octaves when talking to a puppy probably kills people for a living
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@T_Bonezzz: My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world. So i'm gonna drop her off in the desert and leave
@jtswhipped: To the woman that told her husband to "bite my ballsack" at the store today,I golf clapped because you won life.
@AndyAsAdjective: [at oceanside seafood restaurant] Me: Is the fish fresh here? Waiter: Yes *from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
@jackiembouvier: If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.