@YayForJam: Anyone who's voice doesn't jump a few octaves when talking to a puppy probably kills people for a living
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@gwatts77: Judging by how all of these ladies tweet about cucumbers I'm pretty sure size does matter because I never see them tweeting about carrots :(
@AdamTheLobster: This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
@SortaBad: Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work? *flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn't find a thermos* "Yes"