I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
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“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
This is my bus stop.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.