Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
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Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
A completely valid reaction tbh
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust