Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
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*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.