Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
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Don’t take drugs… for granted.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy