Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
You Might Also Like
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Holy crap this is wonderful
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Battery falling down a hole
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?