Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
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Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
smartest karate player in the world
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.