anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
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2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Yes
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*