Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
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My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention