@ShittyComedian: Anytime I'm using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, "Did you bring the lube?" As loud as possible.
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@UncleDuke1969: “It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!” “Nope.” “A spider? An aardvark?” “Wrong. It’s a horse.” “Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
@MythicPicnic: Home alone tonight The fridge is making weird noises I think the beer wants out....
@Book_Krazy: *sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can* ME: *goes to find hub* "You know what makes me mad?" HUB: *points to self*
@VaguelyFunnyDan: OMG guys just watched the news and those "COEXIST" bumper stickers totally aren't working :/