@ShittyComedian: Anytime I'm using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, "Did you bring the lube?" As loud as possible.
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@Home_Halfway: "My wife and I decided we don't want to have kids." "But...don't you already have 2?" "Yeah."
@MrGeorgeWallace: Y'all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of "spees" is stingin' and bitin' you and shit
@Sanbel11: Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can't sit through my daughter's violin recital without a desire to die.