@ShittyComedian: Anytime I'm using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, "Did you bring the lube?" As loud as possible.
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@brendohare: Ants can lift something 50 times their body weight. Wow. That means you can lift a leaf. Cool. I could do that when I was 14. Tiny idiots.
@p_net: Her: Describe your ideal date. Me: I'd order an extra large pizza. Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing? Me: Oh, you'd be there, too?
@moose_chocolate: I bet a cool thing would be to play musical chairs using toilets and call it "Game of Thrones".