Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
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Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
We avoided this particular disaster