An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
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You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Put the is in disheveled
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section