Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
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.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
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MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
john wicks are toilet candles
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
set yourself free xox
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.