Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
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I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Meeeee too!
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”