Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
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Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Banking tips
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
How do dragons blow out candles?
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw