Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
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Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.