“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
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friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
no cat here
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!