@Smartticisms: Apparently champagne is the easiest alcohol to digest, so I'm going to consume several bottles to wash down my salad.
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@Mostly_Cheese: *arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36* Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
@Fred_Delicious: How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
@underchilde: [lying naked in bed] Her: Tell me your fantasy. Me: Well, I get in my car to drive to work, and for the entire trip, there is no traffic.
@nayele18: Meant to tell my daughter "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Tuesday because this is bullshit"