Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
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I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”