Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
You Might Also Like
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body