Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
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CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.