Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
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[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
He wanted to make sure😂
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
peeping toms
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
My safe word is Worcestershire
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd