Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
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I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.