Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
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I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
They’re not wrong
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.