Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
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wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Mood.. 😂
Don’t tell me what to do
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.