Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
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The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled