@WeissBrandon: Apparently, "I just assumed" is a horrible answer when your wife asks you why you bought her the "heavy flow" tampons.
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@tastefactory: EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says "Here lies updog" EXPLORER 2: What's updog? EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
@KimmyMonte: *judge bangs gavel* Ok let's reconvene after a quick 20 min recess *immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
@cbdoubleu: Jeopardy] Alex: This floats your boat. Me [buzzing in]: What is buoyancy? Alex: I'm sorry. The answer we were looking for is, Whatever.
@BackrowSeats: Remember that someone out there is thinking of you right now, figuring out how to make your death look like an accident.