pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
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Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha