*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
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HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )