@itshotterhere: Apparently, if you jump out of a plane wearing parachute pants, it doesn't break your fall at all. But you can carry about a hundred combs.
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@weinerdog4life: If you're ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like "I can't even hear you bear"
@pleatedjeans: [approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it] Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
@Vodkantots: I bet if that Malaysian plane had stolen tweets, some of you guys would've found it already.