@itshotterhere: Apparently, if you jump out of a plane wearing parachute pants, it doesn't break your fall at all. But you can carry about a hundred combs.
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@fatherofcomedy: People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
@Reverend_Scott: Have you decided on dinner? "Yes, I'll have the chicken, grilled." Very good. *hears waiter yelling at chicken* WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
@WilliamAder: Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective. Wife: Those are earmuffs.