@rickkondell: Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they'll mace and taser you. In that order.
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@cbdoubleu: [Going through rubble after a house fire] Her [holding photo albums]: Totally ruined. Me [holding slices of bread]: Pretty much toast.
@KenJennings: The thing about liking Kanye is that no matter how into him you are, you're AT BEST his #2 fan.
@carlyken: [airport security] *BEEP* Ma'am, step through again *BEEP* Nice try pal, I'm not removing my Slayer shirt Ma'am, please it's too much metal