Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
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the icebreaker
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
do horses think humans are hats
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.