@rickkondell: Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they'll mace and taser you. In that order.
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@Spaziotwat: I can finish The Times' crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
@pleatedjeans: *gets down on 1 knee* OMG *puts 2nd knee down* WHAT? *lays on floor* JIM? *snake noises* WHAT ARE YOU DOING? *slithers out of relationship*
@GibJimson: If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it's because I have drugs missing.
@adamrensch: People always say "Wow, your baby looks so much like you," as though it's supposed to defy genetics & look exactly like a coffee mug.