Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
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Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.