Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
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I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that