I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
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Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.