these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
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Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.