Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
You Might Also Like
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
the three branches of government
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.