Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
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*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato