@gorrdano: I'm throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

@koalaslament: if I was ever in prison I'd quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover

@novicefather: Pro tip: If a woman asks you how she looks, the correct answer is not "like Dan Aykroyd."

@thejessigirl45: Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there's a wine sampling booth that day?

@MarlonBrandNO: [Date] Me: tell me about yourself Her: I'm really vegan Me: oh no Her: and I have a kid Me: oh no Her: his name is Kale Me: ohhh noo