@mrbuster60: "My uncle is a dead person guy". Me last night when I couldn't think of the word mortician

@Coolhand_Comedy: May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I'm considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning

@dave_cactus: TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches. ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they're regular sized.

@secondofhername: If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

@bourgeoisalien: Hey, Christianity- what's all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don't. Because sex. Also? More sex.