Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
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Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
choose your gary
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked